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Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
there’s probably a fee though
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.