If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
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Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
Penguins walking in 5x speed
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
nyc:
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹