A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
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According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”