robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
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sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
I think they could have phrased this better
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.