Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
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Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos