Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
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Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.