I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
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They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?