I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
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shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.