I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
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My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
Woke up with morning Yule Log
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.