fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
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Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
Yes, this is exactly right
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*
doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week
me: the what
doc: the cabbage
me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??
doc:
i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)
the doc howled with laughter lmaooo
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.