My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
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All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t