me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
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Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
Bruh PLEASE
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.