6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
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90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free