I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
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[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
Okay
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?