Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
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The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
NOT all policemen are strippers.
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
Finally a use for spoilers…
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.