Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
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“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
Shark week, but for squirrels.
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.