*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
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[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*