TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
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If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
Sing it!
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently