Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
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Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
huge valentines day plans this year!!
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
British websites use biscuits.
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]