I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
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I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
Are these grass-fed oranges?
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
All my small talk is done with a car horn.