Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
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ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
i could never be president. im overqualified.
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.