From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
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When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
Heroic Misunderstanding
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating