Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
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I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.