“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
You Might Also Like
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
this isn’t threatening at all
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market