“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
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5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
Your honor these allegations are
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Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
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My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough![]()
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
when i was on a menswear forum, a n00b claimed his shoes were handwelted, so an older forum member bought a pair of the shoes for $400, ripped them apart, and proved they were not handwelted, thus triggering a series of events that brought down a shoe factory in italy
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
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Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”