“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
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Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
Livid.
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*