“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
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SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes