me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
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The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.