If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
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Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
The police never think its as funny as you do.
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
figuring out my emotional availability:
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.