Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
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if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.