if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
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All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.