After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
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Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.