My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
You Might Also Like
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*