I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
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i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
My loaf of bread looks terrified
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I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
Proofread twice, hang posters once
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one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.