stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
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Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”