My relationship with tea has always been strained.
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My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
i spent way too long on this
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.