Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
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Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
Called it
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.