Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
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hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
set yourself free xox
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 馃槀
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
I鈥檓 not afraid of spiders.
I鈥檓 afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I鈥檓 going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
I don’t know what to do
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there鈥檚 a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you鈥檙e good
i just blocked everyone who鈥檚 face i don鈥檛 like, so if you鈥檙e seeing this鈥iii