Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
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Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
#CoronaOutbreak
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.