Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
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I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
anyone else like Italian cereal
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
I WON A HAM TODAY
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks