*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
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You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
Not all heroes wear capes….
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?