My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
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worst…sale…ever
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
[2287 AD]
Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
Love this one 😂🧟
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face