Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
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BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.