Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
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Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese