*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
You Might Also Like
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit