@KeetPotato

[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”

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@TheCatWhisprer

My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.

@PrettyInCamo11

The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.

I need bail money.

@CafeinatedBacon

Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine

@NYC_Blonde

I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead

@PrisonCookies

You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment

@MsSouthernStems

The road to hell is paved with good intentions

Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.

@briangaar

And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa

@BrokenPalabras

Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.

@iamkits

All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.

@JasonLastname

I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.