[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”

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The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.

I need bail money.


Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine


I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead


You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment


The road to hell is paved with good intentions

Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.


And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa


Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.


All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.


I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.