[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
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Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good