[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
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I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
I only say stupid things when I talk.
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
I need better friends
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.