People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
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SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”