I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
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And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.