an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
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If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)