8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
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Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.