I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
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If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
i love modern commerce
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.