Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
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I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
Cake!!
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”